This year I was happy to go to my 50 year old physical. Being fit, thin, and athletic, I expected a hearty pat on the back, a turn a cough, a finger up the butt, a kiss on the cheek and a heartfelt keep up the good work from Marius, my HMO doc.
Things went pretty much to plan. Marius finished up my extensive 7 minute exam and gave me a card. How thoughtful, a birthday card, what a nice touch; perhaps that’s what all my co-pay increases have been going to. I opened the card and there was no funny line or pictures of flowers, Marius began to explain to me this was for my poop samples. What a let down. So down to the lab without so much as a kiss on the cheek or even a half hearted hug, so I could share a few more of my precious bodily fluids and then limp on home feeling rejected and unloved.
Over the next few days I dutifully placed my dookey deposits on my card and mailed them off feeling sorry for the mail carrier having to handle my smelly letter. A few days later I get my results and a letter from Bubba’s Butts and Guts Fun Emporium to set up my appointment for a full blown colonoscopy. Oh, goody, a bunch of complete strangers get to fish 20 feet of garden hose up my ass hooked up with a video camera, lights, a microphone, 2 production assistants and a grip or two. I don’t even get the chance to yell, “stunt double”, just before Bubba zeros in on me with the hose and I say my big line, “All right Mr. De Mille, I’m ready for my close up.”
Today is the big day. I biked down to Group Health on Monday and picked up my pills and my gallon jug of Crappuccino powder. Yesterday was an all liquid diet. I breakfasted on popsicles, had popsicles for lunch, and nasty chicken broth for dinner. I cracked a Corona for dinner after I realized this was a clear liquid. Joy quickly grabbed my instruction sheet, doubting that beer was an appropriate clear liquid. I told her they had just been derelict on their abbreviated list of acceptable clear liquids. At least it wasn’t specifically disallowed, so therefore it was allowed by omission. After getting a great one beer buzz, I’m going to suggest they add it to the list as a highly recommended clear liquid.
Two minutes after Dad left for home after dinner the Crappuccino kicked in with a vengeance. This stuff is a crime against nature. After choking down almost 4 liters of this nasty tasting clear beverage your plumbing gets reversed and you’re peeing out the wrong orifice. Not a pretty sight. However, adhering to this regiment is a great weight loss technique. By morning I had lost 5 ½ pounds. I have visions of all the Oscar nominated starlets scoring Crappuccino on the black market and spending the night before the big event on the pot like me so they can fit into their $50,000 Armani dress. I think this could be the new big drink at Starbucks that could cure their recent flat sales.
The”procedure” was pretty uneventful; an all female staff with the exception on one poor fella. I was curious what they’d find up my butt. Who knows what kind of stuff was lurking in the depths of my virgin colon. The woman doctor was nice and gentle, and with the drugs I had in me from the IV the video was pretty exciting. I expected her to switch to old episodes of The Golden Girls when things got dull, or at least have the stock market and sports tickers running across the bottom of the screen. But the only thing on was, What’s Up Greg’s Hairy Butt TV. “She did run across a three foot section of hot wheels track and a Herbie the Love Bug, hot wheels car. Even though It was a 1962 classic it was in pretty rough shape, so she decided to leave it in and not hock it on EBay.
In the recovery room we had several people recovering like me that were given the green light to fart like pack mules with total abandonment. I can’t tell you how liberating that is. I felt like I was in Junior high again. We got together and tried to start a little Mormon Fartirnacle Choir. We couldn’t quite get out Flight of the Bumblebee. It must have been a little too fast paced for the geriatric member. We had to settle for Row Row Row Your Boat in 3 part harmony. We all decided to get back together in 10 years and for our next rectal exams and bring our recording equipment. Look for the CD around Easter in 2018.
Is this story what they refer to as too much information?
My sister Kathleen is next up for the Kirkpatrick’s trifecta of colonoscopies. Let’s all hope she comes up with a clean slate like her two much younger brothers.
